“I haven’t masturbated since Democrats ditched that dickflap John Edwards for cheating on his wife. It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just that for the last 10 years or so, I’ve been getting my nails done by my amazing manicurist Jennie (seriously, thanks girl!) and I’m scared of rubbing toxins up my vagina.
I remember fingering myself during my baby girl’s prom and losing a few chips of glitter polish and one or two rhinestones in there. I fished around in my hoochie for a while trying to retrieve my lost objects, but I couldn’t find them. If you’ve ever put your keys in your pocket and lost them somehow, then you know the feeling. Anyway, I freaked out, because it’s not like I could just “concentrate” and poop it from my tunnel of love.
So I decided to stop pleasuring myself. I gave it all up for sexy fingertips, because I can live without satisfying my needs, but let’s be real: plain nails won’t attract me a man. Ladies, beauty means sacrifice! Am I right?!
But today’s a big day! I got these cute long fake nails that make me feel like a powerful tigress, so I tried fingering myself, and NOTHING. CAME. OFF. Not sure if I’ll keep it up though, it doesn’t feel as good as it used to. A bit cold and scrapey.
More like a pap smear, you know?”