Oh God, They Want Me to Circumcise Trump


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Oh god.

So Stormy Daniels comes out with this big expose on Donald Trump’s penis—how it looks like the toadstool from Mario Kart—and now the White House is scrambling to prove her wrong before Trump gets defensive and inevitably reveals his dick to America on daytime TV. They’re calling up every hospital in the U.S. in search for the best penis doctor, and they’ve landed on me. Great.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m skilled with the penis. I have an MD and PhD in penis. I’ve done a fair number of adult circumcisions in my day, but this would be my first procedure on an already-circumcised penis. People, hear me, this guy has no foreskin to peel back! What, do they think he’s got multiple foreskins like a damn onion?

Trump has a bald and bulbous little dick and I can’t do anything about it, but maybe I’ll just take up the job anyway, do the world a favor, and delete his dong for good.

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