Hey bitchessss, pussy’s out of the bag—Trump has a stunt double, and it’s meeeeee, obviously!
So my name’s Puff McGagg, and yep, I’m the one and only Body Double to the President of the United States. Why me, you ask? Because they couldn’t find another plus-sized blonde actor with small hands who was willing to maybe get assassinated at work on a day to day basis. But honestly, I’d rather get mistakenly assassinated than keep playing oversized Le Fou from Beauty and the Beast at the community theater.
I get to do a lot of cool stuff as the President’s body double, and I’m, like, always on national TV. Sometimes, I travel to foreign countries for conferences with people like the President of Tanzania, and I sit where Trump should be while he plays golf in Florida. Sometimes, I get to kiss blind orphan babies with HIV in the middle of bumbfuck nowhere USA while throwing a peachy thumbs up at the camera. Fox News is usually really good about putting a green screen over my face so that I look more like Trump on air.
Being the President’s body double isn’t just about TV time, though. One time, I had to sleep with Melania. It didn’t go as planned, but it worked out. Omigod, silly, we didn’t have sex! No, I just crawled into bed real still-like and unfortunately, the Jimmy Dean bean casserole I had for dinner caught up to me and I just… I ripped ass so hard and fast, the blankets poofed up. In my defense, they sleep on a Westin Heavenly bed. The blankets were satin weave. Them shits are lightweight. But anyhow, it was truly a monster of a fart, and strangely, Melania didn’t even react! I guess the President does it all the time.
What can I say? I’m a natural.