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When you’re in the cosmos for months, you get lonely. Many astronauts look to religious texts for comfort. Religious practice is great, but maybe not the safest outer space activity. I knew a guy, Chaz, who decided he wanted to convert to Christianity mid-mission and one of the other guys in the ship host just happened to be an ex-pastor.

But it’s impossible to baptize in zero-G. Jesus’s bread and blood had to be substituted with freeze-dried vanilla ice cream and Dave’s fresh urine straight from the tube, respectively.

Now I might be an Atheist, but even I know that’s not very holy. Chaz took his mediocre baptism as a sign that the Lord wanted him to go the extra mile to prove his devotion, so he opened the spaceship door and blasted himself into space without his full suit on in order to get closer to Him and “end up among the stars.”

So, uh, he’s dead now. Good for him. That bozo fucked my wife.