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Usually, I swish some water around in my mouth until it’s definitely lukewarm and then scooch face-up beneath them. Sometimes it’s nice because I can use their pants as a pillow. Others might even let me use a spare bath towel. After all, this is a luxury hotel.

Then, I just spit veeery gently, like this—puh!—at the correct angle to moisten the right hole. And then I kind of slide my tongue out, about an inch, and carefully trace the rim. I go around this area maybe 3-4 times, depending on the nature and size of the load. The hardest part is putting my tongue back into my mouth because I have trouble swallowing it all, since my mouth and throat muscles aren’t as strong as they used to be. This issue is pretty common at my age.

But usually with some extra saliva and a few gulps, I can get it down. And then I use the fleshy part of my pinky finger to pat it dry. Pat pat pat. That’s all it takes.

Hi. My name is Marjorine, the human bidet, and I want to die.