Derek Is Addicted to Water

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[Laughing, a playful nudge] “Seriously, Derek, stop it with the water. Every time we go to Costco, you buy a cart full of water. It’s been six weeks, our house is getting crowded, and I’m up to my asscrack in water.”

[Smiling] “Rachel, honey, I don’t know what to tell you, I just can’t stop buying water. And also you’ve got a notoriously low asscrack.”

[Not as playfully] “…Just ease up on it, okay? We have enough to last us for a year.”

[Not smiling anymore] “I… I can’t, Rachel. I just really like water. I crave it.”

[Stone-faced] “Derek. Look, ever since you started loading up on water, our marriage has been in shambles. SHAMBLES. It’s all you ever talk about, all we ever do together. We can’t even make meals at home because our pantry is just water and there’s no room for anything else.”

[Upset] “Well yesterday I made gazpacho—“

[Angry] “You made water. Cold water soup.”

[Sobbing hysterically] “I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO! Rachel, please understand. I just can’t get enough of that big momma oxygen nursing her baby hydrogen twins.”

[Furious] “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE ADDICTED TO WATER, DEREK. IT IS FUCKING BOTTLED WATER. THIS IS BULLSHIT. WE HAVE A SINK, DEREK.”

[Sobbing, then gasps] “I CAN’T HELP WHAT I WA—wait, we have a sink? Hey, that would have been good to know…”

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