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Naw, I’m not waiting for anyone out here. I’m actually a talent scout for Kidz Bop, and I just sit outside kiddie stores in the mall all day, watching. Just watching, looking, viewing. I go for Build-a-Bear, Claire’s, the Disney Store, the kinds of places that attract peppy 9-12 year olds who are addicted to shiny colorful things and look happy when panicked, and vice versa.

Every day I sit outside the kids’ store of my choosing and look for the big Bop’s new great talent. From 9 AM when the mall opens to 10 PM when it closes, I peer through the window displays while munching on bite-sized Cinnabons.

I’m really good at spotting talent. My biggest secrets? I have two. First, you just gotta find a good-looking kid with hyperactive limbs. I mean, some of these puppies have limbs that don’t quit, flailing all over the place while they stuff their new teddy bears and whatnot. That’s what we seek first and foremost from our Kidz Bop music video stars: no stale limbs, because I don’t think Dougie with ADHD from Plano, Texas is going to like your motionless elbows, Charice!!!!!

Bonus points for kids with extraordinarily loose necks. I almost always approach those when I see them—we want Kidz who can begin their careers already bopping.

Now that you’ve got a nice-looking natural bopper, you’ve gotta ask yourself: “Is my bopper is a late bloomer?” The last thing we want is a kid who’ll grow tits or face pubes before age 12. That’s because tits, body hair, and/or deepening voices are just far, FAR too sexy! When our kiddies reach age 12, we shoo them off towards Nickelodeon or the Disney Channel, where their little horndog fans can jack off to them on the TV when Mommy and Daddy aren’t around.

And that’s really it. Those are my big secrets as a talent scout for Kidz Bop. But what makes me extra extra good at my job? I enjoy what I do.

I just reeeeaally love looking at kids.