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As a sommelier, I have exceptionally acute senses. I can trace back any wine to the exact place, time, climate, barrel in which it was made. I can tell you all about the history of the land, the intricacies of the grape. But as the best sommelier in the world, I can do even more.

This is a 2015 Sauvion Vouvray from the Loire Valley in France. It is 100% Chenin Blanc. Smell it. Do you smell the ripe citrus? Those soft drizzles of clover honey over sun-ripened fruit? What about flowers? I smell pale white flowers. Yep, definitely pale white.

But beyond the nuances of this Chenin Blanc grape varietal, I can tell you that the grapes that made this wine were on 30 year old vines baked in a particularly hot and dry summer. I can even taste the hands of the woman who picked these particular grapes from those vines. She’s a tiny woman wearing a blue gingham apron and her name is Adelaide. Now, let us taste this wine.

…Oh, what’s that I taste? It seems Adelaide’s fingers weren’t exactly clean from the lunch she had before she went grape-picking. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I taste a hint of moules-frites and fresh baguette from the boulangerie around the corner. It also seems she ran those same fingers through her hair, which desperately needs washing. I detect… Tresemme Moisture Rich Shampoo.

…Interesting choice for hair care, Adelaide!