I Haven’t Chewed In Days


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They say that if your digestion’s off, you should try easing up on fiber. That’s why people go on juice cleanses—they’re a break from chewing.

Well geez, I don’t like sacrificing the quality of my food and social interactions by going on a diet like that! I still want to be able to eat meals with my partner, Daryl, feel connected to him through food, and taste flavors that aren’t watered down or… green.

That’s why I’ve came up with the best diet of all time.

For the past week, I’ve been eating exclusively pre-chewed food. It’s a process called premastication. Every bite of every meal is lovingly processed by Daryl first, chewed into a warm pulp, and then gently spewed into my mouth so that all I have to do is swallow. Like a momma bird feeding a baby bird.

The best part? All that mouth-to-mouth time.

Daryl and I kiss maybe 100 times a day! That’s about 100 more times than usual, and sometimes there’s tongue… although that’s usually just his attempt to shovel premasticated turkey provolone through my lips. Whatever. I’d say our relationship has improved tenfold.

If you think your gut’s overworked and you’re considering a change in diet, look no further than this! Premastication has totally changed my life.

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