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(NYT Op-ED link)

Call off the search, I’ve got a juicy scoop for ya: I’m the senior official who wrote that NYT Op-ED about President Trump.

Who am I? Trudy Capisce, back-up to the First Lady. Yep, you heard that right. You know how there’s a presidential line of succession? Turns out this president’s more than happy to have back-up wives too.

My job is to look like the Walmart version of Melania in case ol’ Donny wants to relate to ordinary Americans and maybe also dabble with people closer to his age. I’m a hard-working mom of 3 chihuahuas from Wichita, KN and you might recognize me as a before-and-after model for Jenny Craig. You’re basically lookin’ at the girl next door, cupcake.

The rest of the administration’s got their panties in a twist because with all this chaos and politics or whatever, everyone forgets good reliable Trudy, sitting in my corner of the White House pretending to take calls and eating Krispy Kreme.

Look, I wrote that Times essay on a bad day. Donny took the ONE jelly-filled donut from the Dunkin’ box last week and that was supposed to be MY jelly-filled donut. MINE, you shitpouch Cheetos puff for brains. So stay in your motherfucking lane, because now you know what happens when you don’t. This pussy bites back.