Someone Help Alfred Find Love


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I’m lonely. I wish I had someone to talk to, just chat with over coffee, maybe hold hands.

My problem is that I studied abroad in Florence once and Georgia twice—ha, don’t be silly, the country, not the state—and I developed a worldly outlook on life. I have been changed forever, and that includes what I want in a life partner: someone who is also worldly, knowledgeable, a master of different tongues… you see, I can only fall in love with polyglots.

That’s why every day I put on my noise-canceling headphones, go to, change the voice setting to “female,” and type in sensual phrases for Mirand—well, I call her “Miranda”—to translate to the language of my choice.

Most of the time I get a raging boner, but I just try to sit there and listen respectfully. I don’t want to be inappropriate to the lady.

Oh, chemi siq’varuli, if only I could marry the woman behind the machine!

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